A game of four halves

Martham 4 - 4 Norwich Hotspur
18/01/2009


So it went something like this ..... first 2o odd minutes we were brilliant (2-0 up), the next 20 odd minutes we were bad (2-2), the next 20 odd minutes we were awful (4-2 down) and for the final 20 odd minutes we were great if not a little desperate (4-4).

On paper it sounds like a classic and I suppose I should be feeling pleased that we came back from 2 goals down to earn a point away from home, but those of us involved in the game and the poor sods who had to watch it will know that it was far from being a classic, but still we should have won this game at least twice.

The first time we should have won it was in the first half. Yet again we were without any out and out strikers with Brother Harv unavailable and Guz still crocked, so I decided to try something different. Instead of our usual 'pincer' attacking tactics I thought we'd try our fleet footed wingmen up the middle and adopt more 'blitzkreig' approach, i.e. hit them hard and fast down the middle and not worry too much about the flanks.

This proved to be a master stroke of such tactical genius not seen since El Tel's famous Christmas tree formation in Euro '96. It looked good right from the off. Some nice interplay between several players resulted in the ball breaking loose in the penalty area no more than 8 yards out. Steve "the doctor says I can't head the ball" Newman timed his run into the box to perfection, adjusted his stride and opened up his body in one single fluid motion, met the ball first time and confidently stroked the ball ..... about 1o yards wide.

What followed was much better. Despite the double whammy of playing into a strong head wind and low setting sun we were on fire. Some great movement and smart passing resulted in the ball being fed into Robinho Baylis' feet, whose first time flick was met on the run by star of the last game Gazza D, who raced away and tucked the ball away to put us 1-0 up. Two things pleased me about this goal ... 1) it was exactly how I imagined these two would work together up front and 2) Robinho Baylis did exactly what his manager asked him to (if only that was true for the full 90 minutes .... more on that later).

Just a couple of minutes later and it was 2-0. Larry "got your car keys" Kitson filling in at left midfield played Robinho in down the channel, who cut inside and fired the ball hard and low towards the goal (note: at this point I am not saying whether it was on target or not but going by the abysmal effort later in the half from the same position that went for a throw in near the half way line, I suspect it was not) and it ended up in the back of the net thanks to a big deflection off the floundering Martham keeper.

So here we were 2-0 and Martham had hardly touched the ball we were awesome and we should have gone on and won the game easily, but we didn't. It started with Big Nige letting his team mates down by substituting himself after a bit of a tantrum about someone not passing to him and going on strike on the half way line as the Verne "Mini Me" Troyer looky likey Martham winger ran unopposed towards our goal. However, in a way we should be grateful to Big Nige because if he had not gone off we might not have been treated to a special appearance by Glenn "get down" Brown, who made a great attempt to emulate Robinho Baylis' antics at Aylsham and somehow managed to end up flat on his back without another player or the ball or the ref within 10 yards of him. Other specials from the Brown repertoire included his now famous "across my own penalty area unexpected throw in" and the perfectly executed "swing and a miss". The best advice we could give him at half time was use a longer tee.

The rest of the half is a bit of a blur. I vaguely remember Tim getting caught in possession a couple of times or three. Perhaps the wind got a bit stronger I don't know, we certainly lost focus and stopped passing the ball and somehow by half time it was 2-2.

I decided to make some changes and bring on some 'big' players. Big Nige had dried his eyes, Big Ken Rooney was looking sharp and Big Gary was sporting some impressive strapping around his fragile hamstring. This proved to be a master stroke of tactical ineptitude not seen since Nigel Worthington decided that Simon Charlton was the Norfolk version of Claude Makele. Big Gary to his credit even warned me not to put him on at the back, but I knew better and told him things would be fine. They weren't fine. Things were bad. We conceded 2 more very soft goals against a really poor side. Even their players couldn't quite believe it.

By this time the frustration was starting to kick in and several 'tiffs' could be heard across the park. Mainly between me and Robinho to fair. I know exactly how Mark Hughes feels this morning after his Brazilian prima donna stormed out of their training camp and jumped on a plane to Rio. He will learn the hard way that the managers word is final. Anyway all sorted now, I took the young man to one side after the game, we talked about it for 20 minutes and then we decided that I was right.

15 minutes left, 4-2 down, we had to change something. Big Ken Rooney (managers note: must practice kick offs before the next game) and Big Gary (managers note: must listen to players when they tell me not to risk them at the back) made way for Judas Priest and Smokey Oakley who injected new vigour and belief into the team. From here onwards it was all Hotspur pressure. We were pounding them. Blitzkreig had been abandoned, this was Hammer Time. More than once I heard a mention of the Alamo, but that might have been BKR and Big Nige discussing car rentals for our close season Florida excursion.

Anyway eventually this pressure paid off. Following a bit of a melee in the penalty area we were awarded a slightly dubious penalty. Thankfully I had nominated Big Nige on pens before the kick off which saved any ugly scenes between those team members yet to register this season. Once the protests had died down Big Nige placed the ball on the spot, calmly walked back and waited for the whistle. At this point those of you who know Big Nige well would have noticed that he had adopted his 'sex face'. We see this face when he is really focused, really concentrating on something like when standing over a drive on the golf course. How do I know this is also his 'sex face'? Well it was confirmed from the horses mouth, the lovely Mrs Nige, poor woman. Big Nige slammed the ball home, a quality strike, 4-3 we were back in it, come on Hotspur!

We continued to pile on the pressure. 10 minutes left and a freekick is awarded just outside the box. Big Nige sent in a great cross that had the keeper in trouble, back peddling he managed to tip the ball onto the bar. Damn it, But wait a second, who is this arriving at the back post, it's only Steve "the doctor says I can't head the ball unless it's an open goal" Newman, who thumped a header off the rebound into the back of the net. 4-4, we can win this.

And this is the second time we should have won the game, despite a slightly dubious 'hand of god' clearance off the line by Big Nige with a couple of minutes left. However that aside, during the remaining 8 minutes or so we had a number of chances to finish Martham off. I had a header cleared off the line and 30 yarder (it was definitely coming back on the wind) tipped around the post. Judas Priest hit the bar and Larry K missed what can only be described as a FLIPPING SITTER (you muppet!).

Final Score 4-4.

On reflection we probably played well enough to earn all 3 points and we probably played badly enough to earn sweet FA, so I guess that means a draw was a fair result and our away win monkey must stay on our backs for a while longer.

Yet again though it was a thoroughly enjoyable incident packed game and I can't wait until the next one.



Come on you Spurs!


Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur