Strong Men Wear Pink

Norwich Hotspur 4 - 0 Solebay
Newman 2, Davies, Guzewich (at last)
13/12/2009

So this was different, over 40's only in this match, in the appropriately if slightly inconsiderately named Senior Cup. Some say this is veterans football in its purest form, the way it should, what makes Britain great and all that.

I had to scramble around a bit to get a squad together and we ended up with 12 on the day, which I was a bit worried about until Solebay turned up with only the bare 11. Psychological advantage to us.

Having given them the once over as you do as they disembarked their mini bus I decided we definitely had the edge in physical prowess, things were looking good.

New signing Jonny Earl was in the starting line up and by the state of his boots he had played a bit before and it was great to have last years player of the season Cushy back after a freak street dancing injury had kept him out since the beginning of the season.

It was nice to have Chris Manley back in the centre of defence with myself, Kitty and Coxy making up the back four. Midfield looked particulary strong with Gazza Davies on the right, Nige and Jonny in the middle and Cushy on the left. Up front we had a new youthful looking over forty pairing of Guzzy and Steve Newman, in a sort of Torres and Gerard setup. Big Ken Rooney provided a potent option on the bench.

First Half

The first 25 minutes or so were reasonably tight, although we were never really under any real pressure, creating and missing a few chances. We managed a few long range shots which were quite frankly rubbish.

Then we made a well deserved break through. Some good work down the right found stand in striker/attacking midfielder Steve Newman who fooled the keeper into thinking he was going to cross and instead powered in a shot at the near post. A piece of masterful deception.

Steve then made way for Big Kev who immediately linked up with Guzzy, their awareness of each others positioning is amazing to watch. At any given moment Guzzy knows exactly where Kev is, it's quite uncanny.

Before long it was 2-0. At last Guzzy managed to get a shot on target - the first one this year I think, which the keeper did well to save, but the ball broke free and quick as a dog can lick a dish Gazza D pounced to poke the ball into the net.

Before the half ended we were treated to another sublime piece of skill from the reportoire of Big Ken Rooney. Guzzy without even looking (uncanny I know), slipped a defence splitting ball through to Kev. He was in the clear with nothing but 40 yards of clear air between him and the Solebay goalkeeper. Of course we all expected Kev to simply take the ball in his stride and burst into the box at pace and go round the keeper and tuck the ball away for 3-0. Oh no, that would have been far too easy for our Kev, who unknowingly to the rest of us had already spotted that the keeper had strayed marginally off his line and therefore instead tried the most audacious chip from distance which only just cleared the bar. I know Kev has a wonder goal in him and sooner or later we are going to see it.

Half Time, 2-0.

The second half pretty much followed the same pattern as the first. It felt as though we were in control for most of the half, however Solebay did have a few moments which required a few desperate clearances from Kitty and Chris Manley and a couple of excellent saves from our keeper Ian Doy.

I was especially pleased for Ian as it turned out that it was 10 years to the day that Ian first took part in the gay pride march, which I know he is very proud of, as we discovered later when he showed off his 10 year anniversary pants.



However soon the game was over as a contest, after the Solebay keeper miskicked and presented Guzzy with an open goal which he duly took with a decent finish to make it 3-0 and then some great work by Gazza D found Steve Newman on the edge of the box and his first time effort flew into the net past an unsuspecting keeper who I think was expecting a cross. A piece of masterful deception.

Full Time, 4-0.

Ratings

Doy(8) - some great saves, really consistent kicking, dodgy pants
Cox(7) - nice and steady, looked after his ageing winger well
Walters(7) - solid and confident with the ball at his feet, showed good pace at times
Manley*(8) - epitomy of none shall pass in more ways than one
Kitson(8) - his best game of the season so far
Davies(7) - usual high flying dynamic wing play, poachers goal
Death(6) - not at his best, but a good solid performance, lacked discipline at times
Earl(8) - a great debut, could be a real asset to the squad
Cushion(7) - great to have him back, usual tireless work rate
Guzewich**(5) - at last a goal
Newman(8) - best performance of the season, couple of nice goals
Blazer(7) - put in a good shift and nearly scored a wonder goal

* managers man of the match
** 2 points deducted to 'shandygate' incident in Ali's

Overall Team Rating (8)

A very enjoyable game, we competed well, played some good stuff going forward, took our chances, defended excellently and thoroughly deserved our victory. Looking forward to the next round, I think we could do well in this cup with a number of 'seniors' to return to bolster the squad.

Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

Twice In A Day - Would You Believe It

Norwich Hotspur 9 (nine) - 1 Hethersett Athletic
Baylis 4, Death 2 (1 pen), Jennings, Miles, Davies
22/11/2009

Sunday 22nd November a team named Hotspur beat a team named Athletic 9 - 1. The team called Hotspur had a quick coloured forward and a very white 6ft 8in bean pole as their strike partnership. The quickie scored a hatfull and the bean pole also scored one. I think the coincidences probably end there, unless Tottenham have a few fat blokes the wrong side of 40 playing for them these days. However, I think it is rather uncanny nonetheless.

Of course Nigel could have spoilt things in more ways than one if he had taken his one on one to make it ten, and worse complete his hatrick.

To prove I haven't made this up here is the Tottenham match report, http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/eng_prem/8365091.stm. For the Norwich Hotspur match report, read on.

After the embarrassment of the last game it was vital I got a reaction from the players. We had made a good start in the league and we needed a win to keep our title ambitions alive but more importantly we needed to restore some pride to the team and ourselves as sportsmen.

Back into the squad came Baylis, Tinky, Shane and the long awaited return from paternal duties of Gazza D. We also had some new blood in the formidable shape of Neil 'No Nonsense' Johnson. Missing was Big Ken Rooney and Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' (and of late Missin') Paul Guzewich.

With Guz out I decided to play Baylis up front and jokingly put him up on the board as Heskey, with Crouch (AJ) making up the front two. What a masterstroke this turned out to be, little did I know that I should have crossed out Heskey and written in Defoe!

Baylis won the toss - hurrah, at last! We decided to stay as we were with the wind and sun at our backs.

First Half

The first 15 mins were, arguably the best football that NHFC have ever played. The passing and moving was awesome and we were 3-0 up before Hethersett had hardly touched the ball. The goals coming from Baylis, AJ and Gazza D all great finishes.

Then Baylis, aka Defoe, took over and bagged another couple before half time. What is most remarkable about this that they were all quality finishes. If you've ever seen Chris play before you will know that he possesses many talents on a football field but finding the onion bag is not one of them - to date he has a collection of scuffs, pokes, prods and his signature finish - the far post closed eyes point blank header.

Nigel completed the first half rout with a well taken penalty, taken well enough that meant even though the keeper got a good hand on it, Nigel was relieved to see the net ripple thereby maintaining his lifetime 100% spot kick record (not sure I believe that, but it makes him feel good about himself).

The only blemish on an almost perfect first half was my yellow card for a rather poorly timed tackle on their gobby no.11, but boy didn't I enjoy taking him out, well worth the fine.

Half Time, 6-0.

The second half was a little trickier as the wind was now agin us and not for us. However, we still played some good stuff and added a further 3 goals to our tally, while only conceding 1, after a slightly dodgy penalty was awarded against Tim Nice But Dim. By the way, Doysy after a penalty the ball goes back to the centre circle for a kick off, not a goal kick!

On for the second half were Shane and Neil and both put in good performances, Shane topping his off with a really well taken goal, reminiscent of Chris Waddle at his best. Neil topped off his performance by lumping into gobby no.11 again, whose afternoon was not going well.

Baylis picked up his 4th and Nigel smashed home his 2nd after some silky skills on the edge of the box by yours truly.

Full Time, 9-1.

There is one more notable incident worth mentioning. Even though he scored four, there is something else that Mr Baylis would want me to write about. It was late in the game, Hethersett had been run ragged and we were still looking full of running.

Especially Mr B. He picked the ball up half way on the left mid way in their half. Off he went on a mazy run slicing through the Hettersett defence, think John Barness in the Maracana, however unlike Barnes our Mr B didn't roll his foot sublimely over the ball to put the keeper on his back side, before cooly slotting the ball into the back of the net and then wheeling away to accept the adulation of his team mates, no our Mr B rolled his foot over the ball, then stumbled, then stumbled again and before losing control only for it to be cleared by the Hethersett defence. He did wheel away towards his team mates, but adulation is not what awaited him, more like cackling hyenas I would say.

Anyway for the full effect, watch this and then imagine John Barness tripping over at the last minute - Chris Baylis it might have been the best goal you will never score.



Ratings

Doy(8) - solid with a couple of great saves, excellent kicking in difficult conditions
Bird(8) - works like a trojan from beginning to end, good distribution, particulary into the box
Walters(7) - one of his quieter games, booked for a mistimed tackle, showed good pace at times
Tink(8) - usual commanding performance, led the line well
Arnold(8) - showed why he is called 'shutout' today, nothing got passed him
Davies(9) - worked really hard, showed real quality on the flank, great to have him back
Miller(8) - best performance to date, a driving force through the middle
Death(8) - a presence in the middle and chipped in with a couple of goals
Kitson(7) - worked hard and provided some quality crosses from the left
Jennings(8) - caused lots of trouble up front and combined well with Baylis
Baylis*(10) - superb performance, quality finishes, worked hard
Johnson(7) - very solid debut, strong in the tackle
Miles(8) - really good, calm on the ball and used it well, great finish for his goal
Culling(7) - did a job, unlucky to concede a penalty

Overall Team Rating (9)

Brilliant team performance, a hatfull of goals and some really good pass and move football, considering the difficult weather conditions. Stood up to the physical challenge both in terms of fitness and the opponents. You make me very proud (wipes a little tear from his eye, mainly due to the lump of mud still in it - honest).

Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

It was so bad I had to bake

Alysham 10 (ten) - 0 Norwich Hotspur
18/10/2009

Last time this happened I was 11. There is nothing I can say about this game, and if I did I'd probably regret it and fall out with some of my beloved fellow Hotpurs!

So instead here is an excellent recipe for key lime pie.

Ingredients

375g/12oz plain or sweetmeal digestive biscuits, crushed
150g/5oz unsalted butter
grated zest and juice of 8 large limes
570ml/1 pint double cream
1 x 397g/14oz can sweetened condensed milk

To Decorate:
crystalized lime zest

Method

1. Melt the butter in a small pan and stir in the crushed biscuits. Lightly press into the base of a 23cm/9in deep loosed-bottomed fluted flan tin. Chill whilst preparing the filling.
2. To prepare the filling: place the lime juice into a large bowl, add the cream and condensed milk. Whisk for 1-2 minutes. Add the lime zest and lightly stir. Pour into the prepared biscuit base. Place onto a tray and chill for 1-2 hours.
3. Decorate with crystalized lime zest and serve.

Tip:
To make the crystalized lime zest: wash and dry 2 whole limes and peel with a swivel vegetable peeler. Using a sharp knife cut the peel into thin matchstick-sized strips. Blanch in boiling water for 1 minute. Drain and refresh in cold water. Place 50g/2oz caster or granulated sugar into a small pan with enough boiling water to cover. Bring to the boil and heat until it reaches the hard crack stage at 180C/350F. Add the lime zest and remove from the heat. Stir well and pour into a metal sieve over a bowl. As the sugar cools separate the lime zest with a fork and allow to cool completely. When cool remove the lime zest from the sieve and rub off the excess hard sugar. Use as required in the key lime pie recipe.

Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

Beaten in bandit territory

West Lynn 3 - 1 Norwich Hotspur
(Death (pen))
11/10/2009

West Lynn away was never going to be an easy place to go. New to the league, they had won both their games by eight clear goals, however I thought with a little bit of luck we might get a result.

Tiny changing rooms, not designed for 15 big lads, we had to change in shifts.

Big pitch, nice and flat, a bit windy but no excuses with the conditions.

Daryl 'Shut Out' Arnold making his debut at left back, in the absence of the toy throwing L P Kitson.

First Half

Deathy was skipper this week, and duly won the toss, giving us the first half advantage of wind at our backs.

We were under pressure for most of the first half, they were a good side with some very mobile players up front, however the Hotspur defence of Arnold, Tink, Walters, Culling and Doy stood firm.

Couple of breaks by us could have seen us going into the lead, but alas our shooting boots were not with us.

Like the great Arsenal defences of old we all stepped up with our hands in the air and shouted "he's off" in perfect unison - only problem is, he wasn't and duly nipped in and scored with a good finish, 1-0 down.

Second Half

Culling, Jennings & Death make way for Oakley, Cox & Miles.

Didn't start well for us and we could have been a couple more behind, but West Lynn wasted their chances.

Then we had a spell. Following a whipped in corner, Walters & Guzewich challenging, panic in the West Lynn defence - handball, penalty - slotted home cooly by Death, 1-1.

Ding dong merrily on high for a while and both slides slugged it out.

West Lynn go 2-1 ahead after some good play.

Blazer on for Baylis.

Corner from the left, flicked on, ball drops to Blazer, who smelts one on the volley, it must be the equaliser, a strike of purest footballing technique rarely seen outside of the Premiership, balance, grace, power, precision - bugger it hit the post and bar and flew across the face of goal to safety.

Baylis back for Bird.

More Hotspur pressure.

More chances.

More misses.

Baylis & Guzewich hang your heads in shame, Baylis your head should be a little more hung than Guzzys to be fair - and yes it was an open goal!

10 minutes to go, 3-1 to West Lynn after they floated one on the wind over Doy while he back peddled.

Final score, West Lynn 3 -1 Norwich Hotspur.

Ratings

Doy* (8) - excellent kicking, and one 'match of the day credits' save to note
Culling (7) - much improved, his best half of the season by far, some excellent covering across
Walters (6) - good positional play, a threat in the opposition box, showed good pace at times
Tink (6) - very solid performance, stood up to the physical challenge well, good covering
Arnold (7) - very good debut, looks like a great addition to the team
Baylis (6) - lacked the finishing touch, otherwise good
Bird (6) - harried the WL midfield superbly, great energy, passing let him down at times
Death (6) - worked hard, marshalled the midfield, good pen
Miller (7) - Mr consistency, very solid defencively and good going forward
Miles (6) - great distribution when in possession, needs to get on the ball more
Guzewich (6) - slightly off sorts, really needs a goal
Jennings (6) - worked hard, unlucky with some of his touches
Oakley (5) - one great touch - literally one touch
Cox (6) - filled in well at fullback following Oakleys early withdrawal
Blazer (6) - that volley could have made him a legend

Overall Team Rating (7)

I think we would have been delighted with a draw, we battled well against a quality side and with a bit of luck and ruthlessness in front of goal we might have got a result. However, lots of positives to take from the game and I look forward to the return fixture.

Next up is Aylsham away in the County Cup - we owe them one.

Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

The Double Is On

Norwich Hotspur 5 - 2 Archant
(Death, Jennings, Miller, Newman, o.g.)
27/09/2009

Our first ever cup victory means that a league & cup double is very much a reality this season.

Ian 'Hamster' Cresswell, the Freddy Starr looky likey ref was late.

Guzzy won the toss, pitch was even harder underfoot than 2 weeks ago, but at least no wind.

Starting formation was a solid looking 4-4-2 from the start, big guns Baylis & Death waiting in the wings for the game to open up.

First half.

Frantic first 20 minutes with the ball bouncing all over the place, Hotspurs having trouble finding their rythym.

Unlucky deflection leaves Walters & Manley flat footed and punchy Archant No.9 capitalises on the loose ball, 0-1.

After that Hotspurs start to find their feet, Baylis and Death come on for Miles and Newman.

Lots of pressure on the Archant goal, Hotspurs looking dangerous at set pieces.

Corner on the left, Walters makes a good challenge, ball drops (eventually) to Death who powers home with his left foot from close range, 1-1.

Should have had a penalty after Baylis had burst into the box only to have his shirt lifted, Ref blew whistle and awarded a ........ indirect freekick, hey? Apparently it wasn't a malicious shirt pull and therefore not a penalty - f*****g idiot.

Oakley, Blazer & Cox join the fray to see us through to half time.

Second half.

We totally dominated the second half our smart use of rotation tactics and fresher legs really paid dividends.

Four goals without reply left us 5-1 and cruising.

1. Kerpow - whipped cross from Death shinner into his own net from Archant full back, and no Deathy you cannot claim it.
2. Bish - Newman burst into the box and powered one into the far top corner, just like Stevie G, and no I never had a doubt unlike some as the pub talk would have it.
3. Bash - Miller from 30 yards, one touch, half volley, keeper off his line, lovely, and no it wasn't an overhit pass as the pub talk would have it.
4. Bosh - Jenning from 30 inches, following more set piece pressure, an no it wasn't going in as the pub talk would have it.

From there onwards it was just a case of seeing it through to the end, they scored one after some powder puff defending and their punchy No.9 got sent off for having a swipe at Freddy Starr.


Ratings
Doy (7) - comanding in the box, kicks much better
Bird (7) - very busy in midfield, great going forward, lacked composure in front of goal
Walters (7) - very solid, tactical genious, showed good pace at times
Kitson (6) - much better, looked nervous early on settled well
Baylis (7) - caused Archant lots of problems, final delivery needs to be better
Death* (8) - comanding, chipped in with a goal & a couple of assists
Miller (7) - good all round performance, lovely goal
Miles (6) - showed nice touches again, great back pass
Guzewich (7) - some great team play, needs a goal
Jennings (7) - caused problems in the air, fox in the box for his goal
Oakley (6) - steady, worked well with the rest of the back four
Culling (6) - solid, a couple of computation errors
Cox (6) - calming influence in the centre of defence, sweet drag back
Manley (6) - missed a couple of tackles, but generally a safe pair of feet
Newman (7) - worked very hard for the team, and a great finish for his goal
Blazer (6) - good contribution through the middle part of the game, not ready for 90 mins just yet

Overall Team Rating (8)

Starting to show what we're really made of, a very good squad performance with everyone making a contribution. We stood up to the physical challenge of both the conditions and the opposition and added the killer instinct in front of goal that was missing last time.

Next time out - West Lynn away - bugger.

Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

Comfortable Two One

Norwich Hotspur 2 - 1 Norwich Rovers
(Baylis, Cox)
13/09/2009

We're off to a winning start with a comfortable 2-1 win over new boys Norwich Rovers.

Baylis lost the toss, very strong wind against and bobbly pitch.

Debuts for Miller, Jennings and Bird.

Experimental new 4-3-3 formation, ala Chelsea.


First half.

Lots of early pressure with no end product, in fact lots of airy fairy swing and a miss shooting in front of goal.

Horrible Kitson mistake, 1-0 down.

More pressure, long throws and whipped corners but no goal.

Abandoned experimental formation for the traditional 4-4-2, much better.

Equaliser - good wriggly work from Guzewich and a great cross, eyes closed point blank header from Baylis 1-1.

Second half.

Now we have the wind.

Even more pressure. Bombarding the Rovers goal.

At last 2-1, toe poke from Cox after a goal mouth mely.

Horrible Culling mistake, let Rovers in but fortunately they didn't capitalise.

More Hotspur pressure but no more goals.

Result never really in doubt, great to start with a win. Happy days.

Ratings
Doy (6) - fairly solid, some dodgy handling, kicks interesting
Bird (7) - very good debut, long throw will be a real asset
Walters (6) - steady, showed good pace at times
Tink (7) - comanding performance, unlucky not to score thanks to Millers goolies
Kitson (5) - one horrible error led to Rovers goal
Baylis (6) - looked heavy legged, took goal well considering eyes closed
Death (7) - very solid in every way
Miller (7) - good energy, driving force going forward
Miles (6) - showed nice touches, but struggled to make an impact
Guzewich* (8) - some great work around the box, a constant threat, lacked the finishing touch
Jennings (6) - caused problems in the air, another solid debut, more to come
Oakley (6) - struggled with conditions early on then settled into a steady performance
Culling (5) - left back in tricky conditions does play to his strengths
Cox (7) - imposing and Johnny on the spot for the winner
Manley (6) - effective, the archetypal stopper
Newman (6) - lots of energy and commitment

Overall Team Rating (7)

Lack of the killer instinct in front of goal could have been costly and spoilt an otherwise solid team performance - win was well deserved.

Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

Not happy

Norwich Hotspur 1 - 4 Aylsham
15/03/2009

We lost 4 - 1.

I scored our goal.

Nigel assisted.

Robinho was substituted for dissent.

Guz substituted himself in a huff.

Big Ken Rooney's toe went bad.

Manley bumped his head.

Shane who? didn't turn up.

Nasty man that used to visit web sites that he shouldn't was sent off.

The end.


Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

The special one

Watton 5 - 3 Norwich Hotspur
22/02/2009

I knew he was special the moment I saw him. The pristine uniform, neatly trimmed power mootash, pre-match lecture on rules & foul language, 5 minute discussion on whether our goalies top was the wrong colour of black, making us all line up across the area for a boot inspection. This one was a special one for sure, he was from the big league, we were not worthy.

Well let me tell you something about this special one. This special one was the worst referee I think I have ever come across in 30 odd years of playing football. The emotionally unstable 15 year old ginger lad we had last match was ten times the ref this guy would ever be. Not because he doesn't know that a deflection does not count as a back pass for off side, or that its not a penalty if an opposing player trips over the back of your heels, not because of the diabolical positioning he took up at corners and freekicks and not even the fact that he threatened to punch one of our players. No, it was because of all the pre-match poncing and mincing around making us listen to his drivel and dance to his tune - what a penis (with a power mootash).

OK, that is dealt with now, I need to move on.

The game itself was pretty good. By my reckoning it, if you disallow the 3 goals for Watton and 1 for us that were a direct result of Mr P Mootash's incompetence, then it should have been 2-2. Of course you can't and it wasn't and we lost 5-3.

Despite starting well and applying early pressure with several long shots from Country Ken, we found ourselves 2-0 down after 20 minutes following two good finishes from Watton after they hit us on the break. Once Chris Manley went man to man with their danger man we looked much more in control. We played some good stuff and created several more chances including one off the bar from Cushy and a rebound which I thought Big Ken Rooney might have pounced on, but alas no.

That reminds me.

Date: 22/02/2009
Time: 11:49am
From: Kitty
Message: Jem sorry got virus wont be playing today i tried to see he it went alas no.

Kitson you are fined £10 for calling off on the day of a game by text, especially as this is the 2nd time and you were warned.

10 minutes before half time Ian's groin went. It might have been much worse had Ian not engaged his air breaks in time - if only Rob Green had done that when playing for England B against Belarus in 2006 we might have won the World Cup. Coxy duly donned the wrong colour black goalie shirt and gloves and I came on to slot into the back four.

Half time 2-0.

Steve Newman replaced the hard working Big Ken Rooney, who was frustrated with the lack of service up front, for the start of the 2nd half and we pushed Country Ken up front. Within a few minutes it was 2-1 after Big Nige had drilled a perfect cross onto Guzzys head, which he powered into the top corner.

Then Mr P Mootash took over and it was 4-1 with 20 minutes left. After a brilliant fight back we got ourselves back to 4-3 after an own goal and a well taken penalty from Big Nige (2 out of 2 this season for our right back hero).

I threw Big Gary on up front for the last 25 minutes, giving Judas Priest a rest after he'd run his socks off. There is no doubting that Gary was a presence and contributed some nice touches. From there onwards I really thought we were going to get an equaliser and a few chances went begging and Watton rode their luck.

The last goal doesn't really count because Mr P waved play on when 3 Watton players ran through clearly offside and they scored with the last kick of the match.

Full time 5-3.

So the big hairy monkey stays on our backs for a bit longer but we have one more away game to sort that out. Next up is Aylsham at home which I am really looking forward to as they are the only team left with 100% record and I think we owe them one.

Come on you Spurs!



Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

Just like a real match

Norwich Hotspur 2 - 2 Mulbarton
01/02/2009

It was just like a real football match, if you ignore the postage stamp of a pitch, snow blizzards and the 15 year old emotionally unstable ref. This was a proper ding dong battle which we were very unlucky not to win. We certainly had the balance of play and the majority of the chances in front of goal, but nevertheless a point against a team whose 100% record is not to be sniffed at.

We began with arguably our strongest starting eleven of the season. It was great to have our rootin' tootin' obama lovin' gas guzzlin' yanky doodle dandy back in the team after a few games out with a knee injury and with good ol' country boy and former Methwold High School pin up Kenny 'Brokeback' Jordan making his debut up front, we had, at least on paper, a half decent strike pairing for the first time since Guz and Big Ken Rooney destroyed Watton a few months ago. The addition of Luke Stone (that can't be his real name can it? That's far too cool for a real name) in central midfield with Cushy looked quality, the resident speedy wingsters of Robinho Baylis and Gazza D completed the set. At the back it was business as usual at left back for Larry K, Tim filling in at right back for en route Big Nige and me and Tinky in the middle. Ian of course donned the goalies tights again.

A full complement of seasoned veterans made up a solid looking bench.

I think Mulbarton were expecting an easy game and didn't expect us to hit them all guns blazing for the first half hour. We totally dominated them and created a number of early chances, the best falling to Country Ken, who strode magnificently onto a through ball from Guz, lined up the shot and powered a huge divot of pitch into the trees behind the goal as the ball rolled away harmlessly.

More early pressure led to a series of corners and we looked threatening. First one from the left was clipped in by Gazza D and a desperate Mulbarton defence manage to scramble it away for another corner on the right. This time Cushy stepped up to swing in one with his left foot. He spotted my dart towards the near post and fizzed in a lovely hard and low cross, I was away from my marker and with a burst of speed I powered ball into the back of the net Vidic style, 1-0. As I trotted back to the half way line feeling pretty damn good, Tim said, all he saw was a flash of silver - I think he was referring to my boots and not my hair - need to check on that.

A few minutes later it was 2-0. Some lovely build up play down the right ended with Gazza D one on one with his fullback. As expected of late Gazza skinned him and clipped over a delightful cross to the back post from the byline. I looked up and saw we had a player waiting for an easy header with the goal wide open. Oh no, it was Robinho Baylis. Our mercurial temperamental Brazilian wingmeister had never been the best header of a ball, but surely he couldn't miss, all he had to do was get his head on it. Well he did that, sort of. He managed to head the ball down (which is good, they tell you this when you are a kid - head it down when attacking, up when defending, easy), but it was straight down, and then straight up again, then it hit the bar and went straight down again, then it hit the goal line and went straight up again, at this point a young lad on the sideline started clapping, he wouldn't see this in a science lesson it was defying the laws of physics. Luckily, on the way up this second time the wind got hold of it and nudged the ball over the line. Phew.

It should have been 3-0 ten mins later. Guz managed to 'win' a penalty after being hacked down by the Mulberry centre half. I immediately ran forward and shouted for Cushy to get hold of the ball and take it. But it was too late, Guzzy's telescopic arms had already scooped up the ball and he was striding manfully towards the penalty spot, which wasn't actually there, so between him and the ref they agreed where the ball was to be placed as close to 10.9728 metres as they could guess. At this point I was worried, Guzzy's previous penalty against Cromer Crabs I think I described as the "worst penalty ever scored", but this time he looked more confident. 3-0 would almost certainly kill them off. I was right to be worried. The ref blew his whistle and Guz ran forward and struck what can only be described as the "worst penalty never scored", it was complete pants. If Harry Redknapp had been watching his Sandra would have got a mention again.

I think the SHOCKING penalty miss gave Mulbarton new impetus and they came back at us quite strongly, but anything that got past Tink, Walters, Culling & Kitson was confidently mopped up by Ian in the sticks, right up until they scored. A good header into the top corner from a freekick.

Half Time 2-1.

During the break I delivered probably the best half time talk I ever have and ever will. The unfortunate thing was that it was not to the team but to the 15 year old ref who, having suffered systematic abuse from the Mulbarton players in the first half, was in tears and claiming that his career as a ref was over that there was no way he was going back on. I took him off to one side and gave him a bit of a pep talk and managed to pursuade him to continue. Fortunately for both of us I didn't have to threaten him with non payment or even mention that over the next few years life for a copper topped buck toothed spotty teenager might be quite challenging at times.

The second half was a story of they scored one, we missed loads, horizontal snow storm & the ginger boy became a ginger man.

Final Score 2-2.

Overall a satisfying draw, if not a little disappointing that we didn't take all 3 points and it was good to put an end to Mulbartons 100% record. There were some really solid performances throughout the side. The new boys Country Ken and Cool Hand Luke fitted in well and my partner in crime at the centre of defence Tinky was probably man of the match on the basis that I can't pick myself.

Thanks also to the subs for sticking it out - Smokey Oakley, Big Ken Rooney and Judas Priest your patience will all be rewarded with a start in the next league game.


Come on you Spurs!


Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur

A game of four halves

Martham 4 - 4 Norwich Hotspur
18/01/2009


So it went something like this ..... first 2o odd minutes we were brilliant (2-0 up), the next 20 odd minutes we were bad (2-2), the next 20 odd minutes we were awful (4-2 down) and for the final 20 odd minutes we were great if not a little desperate (4-4).

On paper it sounds like a classic and I suppose I should be feeling pleased that we came back from 2 goals down to earn a point away from home, but those of us involved in the game and the poor sods who had to watch it will know that it was far from being a classic, but still we should have won this game at least twice.

The first time we should have won it was in the first half. Yet again we were without any out and out strikers with Brother Harv unavailable and Guz still crocked, so I decided to try something different. Instead of our usual 'pincer' attacking tactics I thought we'd try our fleet footed wingmen up the middle and adopt more 'blitzkreig' approach, i.e. hit them hard and fast down the middle and not worry too much about the flanks.

This proved to be a master stroke of such tactical genius not seen since El Tel's famous Christmas tree formation in Euro '96. It looked good right from the off. Some nice interplay between several players resulted in the ball breaking loose in the penalty area no more than 8 yards out. Steve "the doctor says I can't head the ball" Newman timed his run into the box to perfection, adjusted his stride and opened up his body in one single fluid motion, met the ball first time and confidently stroked the ball ..... about 1o yards wide.

What followed was much better. Despite the double whammy of playing into a strong head wind and low setting sun we were on fire. Some great movement and smart passing resulted in the ball being fed into Robinho Baylis' feet, whose first time flick was met on the run by star of the last game Gazza D, who raced away and tucked the ball away to put us 1-0 up. Two things pleased me about this goal ... 1) it was exactly how I imagined these two would work together up front and 2) Robinho Baylis did exactly what his manager asked him to (if only that was true for the full 90 minutes .... more on that later).

Just a couple of minutes later and it was 2-0. Larry "got your car keys" Kitson filling in at left midfield played Robinho in down the channel, who cut inside and fired the ball hard and low towards the goal (note: at this point I am not saying whether it was on target or not but going by the abysmal effort later in the half from the same position that went for a throw in near the half way line, I suspect it was not) and it ended up in the back of the net thanks to a big deflection off the floundering Martham keeper.

So here we were 2-0 and Martham had hardly touched the ball we were awesome and we should have gone on and won the game easily, but we didn't. It started with Big Nige letting his team mates down by substituting himself after a bit of a tantrum about someone not passing to him and going on strike on the half way line as the Verne "Mini Me" Troyer looky likey Martham winger ran unopposed towards our goal. However, in a way we should be grateful to Big Nige because if he had not gone off we might not have been treated to a special appearance by Glenn "get down" Brown, who made a great attempt to emulate Robinho Baylis' antics at Aylsham and somehow managed to end up flat on his back without another player or the ball or the ref within 10 yards of him. Other specials from the Brown repertoire included his now famous "across my own penalty area unexpected throw in" and the perfectly executed "swing and a miss". The best advice we could give him at half time was use a longer tee.

The rest of the half is a bit of a blur. I vaguely remember Tim getting caught in possession a couple of times or three. Perhaps the wind got a bit stronger I don't know, we certainly lost focus and stopped passing the ball and somehow by half time it was 2-2.

I decided to make some changes and bring on some 'big' players. Big Nige had dried his eyes, Big Ken Rooney was looking sharp and Big Gary was sporting some impressive strapping around his fragile hamstring. This proved to be a master stroke of tactical ineptitude not seen since Nigel Worthington decided that Simon Charlton was the Norfolk version of Claude Makele. Big Gary to his credit even warned me not to put him on at the back, but I knew better and told him things would be fine. They weren't fine. Things were bad. We conceded 2 more very soft goals against a really poor side. Even their players couldn't quite believe it.

By this time the frustration was starting to kick in and several 'tiffs' could be heard across the park. Mainly between me and Robinho to fair. I know exactly how Mark Hughes feels this morning after his Brazilian prima donna stormed out of their training camp and jumped on a plane to Rio. He will learn the hard way that the managers word is final. Anyway all sorted now, I took the young man to one side after the game, we talked about it for 20 minutes and then we decided that I was right.

15 minutes left, 4-2 down, we had to change something. Big Ken Rooney (managers note: must practice kick offs before the next game) and Big Gary (managers note: must listen to players when they tell me not to risk them at the back) made way for Judas Priest and Smokey Oakley who injected new vigour and belief into the team. From here onwards it was all Hotspur pressure. We were pounding them. Blitzkreig had been abandoned, this was Hammer Time. More than once I heard a mention of the Alamo, but that might have been BKR and Big Nige discussing car rentals for our close season Florida excursion.

Anyway eventually this pressure paid off. Following a bit of a melee in the penalty area we were awarded a slightly dubious penalty. Thankfully I had nominated Big Nige on pens before the kick off which saved any ugly scenes between those team members yet to register this season. Once the protests had died down Big Nige placed the ball on the spot, calmly walked back and waited for the whistle. At this point those of you who know Big Nige well would have noticed that he had adopted his 'sex face'. We see this face when he is really focused, really concentrating on something like when standing over a drive on the golf course. How do I know this is also his 'sex face'? Well it was confirmed from the horses mouth, the lovely Mrs Nige, poor woman. Big Nige slammed the ball home, a quality strike, 4-3 we were back in it, come on Hotspur!

We continued to pile on the pressure. 10 minutes left and a freekick is awarded just outside the box. Big Nige sent in a great cross that had the keeper in trouble, back peddling he managed to tip the ball onto the bar. Damn it, But wait a second, who is this arriving at the back post, it's only Steve "the doctor says I can't head the ball unless it's an open goal" Newman, who thumped a header off the rebound into the back of the net. 4-4, we can win this.

And this is the second time we should have won the game, despite a slightly dubious 'hand of god' clearance off the line by Big Nige with a couple of minutes left. However that aside, during the remaining 8 minutes or so we had a number of chances to finish Martham off. I had a header cleared off the line and 30 yarder (it was definitely coming back on the wind) tipped around the post. Judas Priest hit the bar and Larry K missed what can only be described as a FLIPPING SITTER (you muppet!).

Final Score 4-4.

On reflection we probably played well enough to earn all 3 points and we probably played badly enough to earn sweet FA, so I guess that means a draw was a fair result and our away win monkey must stay on our backs for a while longer.

Yet again though it was a thoroughly enjoyable incident packed game and I can't wait until the next one.



Come on you Spurs!


Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur