Watton 5 - 3 Norwich Hotspur
22/02/2009
I knew he was special the moment I saw him. The pristine uniform, neatly trimmed power mootash, pre-match lecture on rules & foul language, 5 minute discussion on whether our goalies top was the wrong colour of black, making us all line up across the area for a boot inspection. This one was a special one for sure, he was from the big league, we were not worthy.
Well let me tell you something about this special one. This special one was the worst referee I think I have ever come across in 30 odd years of playing football. The emotionally unstable 15 year old ginger lad we had last match was ten times the ref this guy would ever be. Not because he doesn't know that a deflection does not count as a back pass for off side, or that its not a penalty if an opposing player trips over the back of your heels, not because of the diabolical positioning he took up at corners and freekicks and not even the fact that he threatened to punch one of our players. No, it was because of all the pre-match poncing and mincing around making us listen to his drivel and dance to his tune - what a penis (with a power mootash).
OK, that is dealt with now, I need to move on.
The game itself was pretty good. By my reckoning it, if you disallow the 3 goals for Watton and 1 for us that were a direct result of Mr P Mootash's incompetence, then it should have been 2-2. Of course you can't and it wasn't and we lost 5-3.
Despite starting well and applying early pressure with several long shots from Country Ken, we found ourselves 2-0 down after 20 minutes following two good finishes from Watton after they hit us on the break. Once Chris Manley went man to man with their danger man we looked much more in control. We played some good stuff and created several more chances including one off the bar from Cushy and a rebound which I thought Big Ken Rooney might have pounced on, but alas no.
That reminds me.
Date: 22/02/2009
Time: 11:49am
From: Kitty
Message: Jem sorry got virus wont be playing today i tried to see he it went alas no.
Kitson you are fined £10 for calling off on the day of a game by text, especially as this is the 2nd time and you were warned.
10 minutes before half time Ian's groin went. It might have been much worse had Ian not engaged his air breaks in time - if only Rob Green had done that when playing for England B against Belarus in 2006 we might have won the World Cup. Coxy duly donned the wrong colour black goalie shirt and gloves and I came on to slot into the back four.
Half time 2-0.
Steve Newman replaced the hard working Big Ken Rooney, who was frustrated with the lack of service up front, for the start of the 2nd half and we pushed Country Ken up front. Within a few minutes it was 2-1 after Big Nige had drilled a perfect cross onto Guzzys head, which he powered into the top corner.
Then Mr P Mootash took over and it was 4-1 with 20 minutes left. After a brilliant fight back we got ourselves back to 4-3 after an own goal and a well taken penalty from Big Nige (2 out of 2 this season for our right back hero).
I threw Big Gary on up front for the last 25 minutes, giving Judas Priest a rest after he'd run his socks off. There is no doubting that Gary was a presence and contributed some nice touches. From there onwards I really thought we were going to get an equaliser and a few chances went begging and Watton rode their luck.
The last goal doesn't really count because Mr P waved play on when 3 Watton players ran through clearly offside and they scored with the last kick of the match.
Full time 5-3.
So the big hairy monkey stays on our backs for a bit longer but we have one more away game to sort that out. Next up is Aylsham at home which I am really looking forward to as they are the only team left with 100% record and I think we owe them one.
Come on you Spurs!
Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur
Friday 27 February 2009
Sunday 1 February 2009
Just like a real match
Norwich Hotspur 2 - 2 Mulbarton
01/02/2009
It was just like a real football match, if you ignore the postage stamp of a pitch, snow blizzards and the 15 year old emotionally unstable ref. This was a proper ding dong battle which we were very unlucky not to win. We certainly had the balance of play and the majority of the chances in front of goal, but nevertheless a point against a team whose 100% record is not to be sniffed at.
We began with arguably our strongest starting eleven of the season. It was great to have our rootin' tootin' obama lovin' gas guzzlin' yanky doodle dandy back in the team after a few games out with a knee injury and with good ol' country boy and former Methwold High School pin up Kenny 'Brokeback' Jordan making his debut up front, we had, at least on paper, a half decent strike pairing for the first time since Guz and Big Ken Rooney destroyed Watton a few months ago. The addition of Luke Stone (that can't be his real name can it? That's far too cool for a real name) in central midfield with Cushy looked quality, the resident speedy wingsters of Robinho Baylis and Gazza D completed the set. At the back it was business as usual at left back for Larry K, Tim filling in at right back for en route Big Nige and me and Tinky in the middle. Ian of course donned the goalies tights again.
A full complement of seasoned veterans made up a solid looking bench.
I think Mulbarton were expecting an easy game and didn't expect us to hit them all guns blazing for the first half hour. We totally dominated them and created a number of early chances, the best falling to Country Ken, who strode magnificently onto a through ball from Guz, lined up the shot and powered a huge divot of pitch into the trees behind the goal as the ball rolled away harmlessly.
More early pressure led to a series of corners and we looked threatening. First one from the left was clipped in by Gazza D and a desperate Mulbarton defence manage to scramble it away for another corner on the right. This time Cushy stepped up to swing in one with his left foot. He spotted my dart towards the near post and fizzed in a lovely hard and low cross, I was away from my marker and with a burst of speed I powered ball into the back of the net Vidic style, 1-0. As I trotted back to the half way line feeling pretty damn good, Tim said, all he saw was a flash of silver - I think he was referring to my boots and not my hair - need to check on that.
A few minutes later it was 2-0. Some lovely build up play down the right ended with Gazza D one on one with his fullback. As expected of late Gazza skinned him and clipped over a delightful cross to the back post from the byline. I looked up and saw we had a player waiting for an easy header with the goal wide open. Oh no, it was Robinho Baylis. Our mercurial temperamental Brazilian wingmeister had never been the best header of a ball, but surely he couldn't miss, all he had to do was get his head on it. Well he did that, sort of. He managed to head the ball down (which is good, they tell you this when you are a kid - head it down when attacking, up when defending, easy), but it was straight down, and then straight up again, then it hit the bar and went straight down again, then it hit the goal line and went straight up again, at this point a young lad on the sideline started clapping, he wouldn't see this in a science lesson it was defying the laws of physics. Luckily, on the way up this second time the wind got hold of it and nudged the ball over the line. Phew.
It should have been 3-0 ten mins later. Guz managed to 'win' a penalty after being hacked down by the Mulberry centre half. I immediately ran forward and shouted for Cushy to get hold of the ball and take it. But it was too late, Guzzy's telescopic arms had already scooped up the ball and he was striding manfully towards the penalty spot, which wasn't actually there, so between him and the ref they agreed where the ball was to be placed as close to 10.9728 metres as they could guess. At this point I was worried, Guzzy's previous penalty against Cromer Crabs I think I described as the "worst penalty ever scored", but this time he looked more confident. 3-0 would almost certainly kill them off. I was right to be worried. The ref blew his whistle and Guz ran forward and struck what can only be described as the "worst penalty never scored", it was complete pants. If Harry Redknapp had been watching his Sandra would have got a mention again.
I think the SHOCKING penalty miss gave Mulbarton new impetus and they came back at us quite strongly, but anything that got past Tink, Walters, Culling & Kitson was confidently mopped up by Ian in the sticks, right up until they scored. A good header into the top corner from a freekick.
Half Time 2-1.
During the break I delivered probably the best half time talk I ever have and ever will. The unfortunate thing was that it was not to the team but to the 15 year old ref who, having suffered systematic abuse from the Mulbarton players in the first half, was in tears and claiming that his career as a ref was over that there was no way he was going back on. I took him off to one side and gave him a bit of a pep talk and managed to pursuade him to continue. Fortunately for both of us I didn't have to threaten him with non payment or even mention that over the next few years life for a copper topped buck toothed spotty teenager might be quite challenging at times.
The second half was a story of they scored one, we missed loads, horizontal snow storm & the ginger boy became a ginger man.
Final Score 2-2.
Overall a satisfying draw, if not a little disappointing that we didn't take all 3 points and it was good to put an end to Mulbartons 100% record. There were some really solid performances throughout the side. The new boys Country Ken and Cool Hand Luke fitted in well and my partner in crime at the centre of defence Tinky was probably man of the match on the basis that I can't pick myself.
Thanks also to the subs for sticking it out - Smokey Oakley, Big Ken Rooney and Judas Priest your patience will all be rewarded with a start in the next league game.
Come on you Spurs!
Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur
01/02/2009
It was just like a real football match, if you ignore the postage stamp of a pitch, snow blizzards and the 15 year old emotionally unstable ref. This was a proper ding dong battle which we were very unlucky not to win. We certainly had the balance of play and the majority of the chances in front of goal, but nevertheless a point against a team whose 100% record is not to be sniffed at.
We began with arguably our strongest starting eleven of the season. It was great to have our rootin' tootin' obama lovin' gas guzzlin' yanky doodle dandy back in the team after a few games out with a knee injury and with good ol' country boy and former Methwold High School pin up Kenny 'Brokeback' Jordan making his debut up front, we had, at least on paper, a half decent strike pairing for the first time since Guz and Big Ken Rooney destroyed Watton a few months ago. The addition of Luke Stone (that can't be his real name can it? That's far too cool for a real name) in central midfield with Cushy looked quality, the resident speedy wingsters of Robinho Baylis and Gazza D completed the set. At the back it was business as usual at left back for Larry K, Tim filling in at right back for en route Big Nige and me and Tinky in the middle. Ian of course donned the goalies tights again.
A full complement of seasoned veterans made up a solid looking bench.
I think Mulbarton were expecting an easy game and didn't expect us to hit them all guns blazing for the first half hour. We totally dominated them and created a number of early chances, the best falling to Country Ken, who strode magnificently onto a through ball from Guz, lined up the shot and powered a huge divot of pitch into the trees behind the goal as the ball rolled away harmlessly.
More early pressure led to a series of corners and we looked threatening. First one from the left was clipped in by Gazza D and a desperate Mulbarton defence manage to scramble it away for another corner on the right. This time Cushy stepped up to swing in one with his left foot. He spotted my dart towards the near post and fizzed in a lovely hard and low cross, I was away from my marker and with a burst of speed I powered ball into the back of the net Vidic style, 1-0. As I trotted back to the half way line feeling pretty damn good, Tim said, all he saw was a flash of silver - I think he was referring to my boots and not my hair - need to check on that.
A few minutes later it was 2-0. Some lovely build up play down the right ended with Gazza D one on one with his fullback. As expected of late Gazza skinned him and clipped over a delightful cross to the back post from the byline. I looked up and saw we had a player waiting for an easy header with the goal wide open. Oh no, it was Robinho Baylis. Our mercurial temperamental Brazilian wingmeister had never been the best header of a ball, but surely he couldn't miss, all he had to do was get his head on it. Well he did that, sort of. He managed to head the ball down (which is good, they tell you this when you are a kid - head it down when attacking, up when defending, easy), but it was straight down, and then straight up again, then it hit the bar and went straight down again, then it hit the goal line and went straight up again, at this point a young lad on the sideline started clapping, he wouldn't see this in a science lesson it was defying the laws of physics. Luckily, on the way up this second time the wind got hold of it and nudged the ball over the line. Phew.
It should have been 3-0 ten mins later. Guz managed to 'win' a penalty after being hacked down by the Mulberry centre half. I immediately ran forward and shouted for Cushy to get hold of the ball and take it. But it was too late, Guzzy's telescopic arms had already scooped up the ball and he was striding manfully towards the penalty spot, which wasn't actually there, so between him and the ref they agreed where the ball was to be placed as close to 10.9728 metres as they could guess. At this point I was worried, Guzzy's previous penalty against Cromer Crabs I think I described as the "worst penalty ever scored", but this time he looked more confident. 3-0 would almost certainly kill them off. I was right to be worried. The ref blew his whistle and Guz ran forward and struck what can only be described as the "worst penalty never scored", it was complete pants. If Harry Redknapp had been watching his Sandra would have got a mention again.
I think the SHOCKING penalty miss gave Mulbarton new impetus and they came back at us quite strongly, but anything that got past Tink, Walters, Culling & Kitson was confidently mopped up by Ian in the sticks, right up until they scored. A good header into the top corner from a freekick.
Half Time 2-1.
During the break I delivered probably the best half time talk I ever have and ever will. The unfortunate thing was that it was not to the team but to the 15 year old ref who, having suffered systematic abuse from the Mulbarton players in the first half, was in tears and claiming that his career as a ref was over that there was no way he was going back on. I took him off to one side and gave him a bit of a pep talk and managed to pursuade him to continue. Fortunately for both of us I didn't have to threaten him with non payment or even mention that over the next few years life for a copper topped buck toothed spotty teenager might be quite challenging at times.
The second half was a story of they scored one, we missed loads, horizontal snow storm & the ginger boy became a ginger man.
Final Score 2-2.
Overall a satisfying draw, if not a little disappointing that we didn't take all 3 points and it was good to put an end to Mulbartons 100% record. There were some really solid performances throughout the side. The new boys Country Ken and Cool Hand Luke fitted in well and my partner in crime at the centre of defence Tinky was probably man of the match on the basis that I can't pick myself.
Thanks also to the subs for sticking it out - Smokey Oakley, Big Ken Rooney and Judas Priest your patience will all be rewarded with a start in the next league game.
Come on you Spurs!
Jem
Head Coach Director of Football Manager
Norwich Hotspur
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